Khataba – Part 1

So this post isn’t what I would usually share but I’ve made an exception since I found the whole thing fascinating. This was written anonymously for obvious reasons and there will most likely be a follow up post. Check it out below:

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I am a 33 year old khaleeji woman and I am living the life of my dreams (ilhamidalla). I have a top notch job, my own business, two college degrees, great friends, lovely family, I am pretty and I am a very content with the person that I am, but the people around me like to point out that something is wrong with me, something is missing, see I am not married. I am single.

I have heard that “you are more likely to die from a terrorist attack then get married after 40”, 7 years to find a husband or a terrorist attack! Yikes. Desperate measures calls for desperate needs (Tinder didn’t work, all I got were horny Americans on a base 53 KM away from the city) so I went to a Khataba. A Khataba is a middle woman that tries to connect a man and a women together to get married the Islamic way.

I found an Instagram account of a Khataba with her number so I texted her not knowing what to say. I had never done such a thing, and being a westernized khaleeji, I have always dated the non-khaleeji way. So I wrote “Alsalam Alaikum. I am a 33 year old khaleeji woman with a college degree, looking for a khaleeji man with a college degree”. Oops! 2 hours later I remembered that I had forgotten to mention the most important thing about me, that I am a virgin. So I sent another whatsapp “never been married”. 10 hours later I get a few images from her as follows:

The first picture had her Terms and Conditions written on it. “Dear customers important notice: 1) We take all requests in confidentiality 2) We seek to marry people the Islamic way 3) If both parties agree, communication shall be through the parents and not the parties concerned 4) Fees will be payable upon signing of the marriage certificate 5) All applications should be complete”

The second picture had 6 skin tones and a number for each skin tone. I was told to identify my skin tone and the skin tone that I was seeking in a man. This was difficult since my hands and face were a shade darker than the rest of my body. I don’t show a lot of skin when I go out, and the Kuwaiti sun burns even a cactus. I didn’t want to complicate things though so I just one color. I have always had a thing for darker men, Denzel Washington style men, yummy chocolateness, so I chose the darkest shade for Mr. Future Husband.

The third picture had a woman’s back with long hair flowing down, and there were numbers coming out at different lengths. I stood next to a mirror and identified my length number. Easy, sent it over.

The fourth picture wanted me to answer 15 questions about myself and my dream man. My job, my family and tribe name, my salary, how healthy I am, my height, my weight (of course I lied about my weight!!! DONT ASK WOMEN ABOUT THEIR WEIGHT!), just regular questions except for two, one that asked if I drove a car?! And the other that wanted to know if I communicate with men that are strangers at work? What is up with khaleeji men not wanting their woman to be behind a car? I haven’t met my future husband, but I know he’s not going to drive the kids to school! Yes, I can drive and my ovaries should be fine. And given that 50% of the human population is male, yes I do come across men that are strangers from time to time. I wrote back saying I am a full time writer and I work behind my screen. So that went well.

The fifth picture asked me to identify what I wanted in a man. This is what I really wanted “a dark tall man, rich, funny, caring, loving, artistic, with a private jet and yacht” but I obviously couldn’t say that so I said “a dark man with a college education, a practicing Muslim that doesn’t smoke”. I wasn’t going to let dark slide, he had to be dark. I added the practicing Muslim to make me look like a good faithful girl. Sent over.

Few hours later I get a response, the Khataba thought I made a mistake. I am light skinned, but I wanted someone that is dark? Must be a mistake. “Are you sure you are okay with a number 5 or 6 darkness?” Yes I replied. “Even if he has facial features of an African man?” Was this a trick question? I want a black man so yes I answered again. She then sent me a picture of a famous black Kuwaiti actor and asked “Are you sure you are okay with this color?” Yes! 2 hours later she sends me another message, “Are your parents going to be okay with a dark man?” Umm yes I said. “Can you please check with your parents?” Wtffff!! I wasn’t going to ask my parents if they were okay with me marrying a black man, but I said I will check anyways and waited a day. That’s when I got my offer, he’s black, he’s rich, I know his age, his height, his college education, and I have to decide. What do you guys think? Should I say yes to Mr. Chocolate? I will keep you guys updated…

Photo on top by Mohamed Kanoo