Category: Awards

Now that we’ve completed the awards, below is a round up of all the winners from this year:

Best Coffee Shop – VOL.1
Best Local Store – Good Game
Best Shopping Mall – The Avenues
Best Bank – Nobody
Best Online Store – Talabat
Best Gym – Circuit+
Best Movie Theater – Cinemagics
Best Leisure Activity (Children) – Kuwait Little League
Best Leisure Activity (Adults) – The Secret Garden
Best Restaurant – EDO Shaab
Best Restaurant (Casual Dining) – GIA
Best Internet Provider – WIMD
Best Customer Care – OSN & Al-Sayer

Just out of curiosity, I ran a survey under the most interesting categories and I asked you readers to vote on who you thought was the best. Below is the result of those surveys, we’ll call them the people’s choice:

Best Restaurant
1- OFK
2- EDO Shaab

Best Restaurant – Casual Dining
1- Solo Pizza
2- GIA

Best Coffee Shop
1- Starbucks
2- Caribou Coffee

Best Internet Provider
1- Zain
2- WIMD

Best Gym
1- Al Corniche Club
2- Platinum

Best Local Store
1- AAB World
2- X-Cite

Best Online Store
1-Talabat
2- Blink

Best Shopping Mall
1- The Avenues
2- 360 Mall

Best Bank
1- NBK
2- KFH

Winner: OSN
A few months ago, I received a phone call from OSN. And I thought, “OSN…OSN…why does that sound familiar…oh yeah! The satellite thing…holy shit I’m still paying that?” Evidently I wasn’t; my credit card expired. Hence the call from their customer service. The lady was exceedingly polite and very accommodating. I could just change my card number right then and there with her on the phone. No transfers to different departments or website or god forbid, an office thats open from “I’m too busy to drive there” to “I cannot be bothered right now.”

It had literally been months since I last turned on my OSN receiver. But the convenience, and the cost make it hard to decline. And their customer service as always been top notch with me. I’ve never had major issues and when I have had minor ones, they’ve dealt with it in the most professional manner you can imagine. I briefly played with the idea of cancelling the subscription and seeing how long before my wife would notice, as she insists on keeping it. But at the time, the wife was pregnant, and the vision of her reaction to my little social experiment was more than enough to sway me back to just giving up my new card details.

Happy wife, happy life everyone.

Note: The above incident was several months ago, and OSN has yet to be watched. I will be diligently updating you all every 150 days. Stay tuned.

Runner up: Al-Sayer
When you buy a car in Kuwait, you don’t buy a car. You buy into a relationship with your dealer. Whereas in most other places I’ve lived, you could go to Kingsway Honda if the guys at Carter Honda are total Oakley-wearing douchebags high-fiving each other and patting each other on the butt. Here, your love for a car and insistence on buying it is weighed against future irritation you will experience if you buy it. That’s why certain brands with cats on them have such a bad rap. Brands like that should only be for people who have a crush on their service representative. You’re not buying the car, you’re buying the service. And in most cases, service is enfuriating.

At a certain level, I’m sure the people selling Toyota and Lexus know their cars are not exactly known for their personality or looks. They simply make good good cars. But that’s not enough and they know it. That’s why they bend over backwards to give the best possible service they can. In the same week I had flat tires on two cars, a Lexus and a german brand of which Hitler was particularly fond of. Lexus, replaced the tires and rims and did a full service on the car the same day I brought the car in, before I could even schedule an appointment for the other car. They even towed the car and waived the charge. Bunch of sweeties over at Sayer.

Winner: Al-Sayer
For this category there are two winners because I personally love Al-Sayer and think they should be number 1. I’ve had my Toyota going into 5 years now and my experience with the dealer has been great, so great that I actually took the time to write about how great they are on my blog [Here]. Everything I wrote in that post still stands true today and I can’t think of any other company better deserving of this award.

Runner up: McDonalds
McDonalds in Kuwait has by far the best customer service of any fast food joint anywhere in the world. Seriously.

Winner: WIMD (kinda)
Every summer I would go back to Canada. And in terms of mobile telecommunications, it would be like travelling to the 90s. The few people who had cell phones, had flip-phones. With antennas (remember antennas?). No one had any idea what the hell a SIM card was. The one company that had SIM cards wouldn’t give you one without you signing a plan for at least one year. Meanwhile at Heathrow airport, you could get a temporary SIM card from a vending machine. Total bush league. My point, in case you’re missing out, is that regardless of how ‘first-world’ a country is, it’s not above being completely backwards due to greedy complacent big business interests and/or excessive government bureaucracy.

Which brings me to internet in Kuwait. Over the years, I’ve had Fastelco, Qualitynet, WIMD. The internet in most parts of Kuwait is capped due to the ancient copper cables that connect everyone together. Unless you live in Salwa or South Surra, you’re going to be limited by your internet company. Now this brings us to an interesting point. Back in day, you didn’t need high-speed, since all you would do is pretend to be a girl on mIRC and talk to other men pretending to be girls on mIRC. But now, content providers are trying to go fully cloud-based, and when that’s the case, 4Mb isn’t going to cut it. Based on Mark’s results from WIMD, I decided to give those cats a try, and the results were much better. I get 14 now.

But even WIMD is limited in that all they really do is bypass the copper cables that go point to point nationally. You’re still using Qualitynet or Fastelco or United or whatever. When they go down because a fucking whale in Egypt took a huge shit on the undersea cables, you go down too.

The gripe is that for the amount of money people pay to internet companies is not proportional to the quality of service we get. Still, when it comes down to it, unless something changes dramatically with the technology or the government locally or regionally, WIMD is still the best, despite the technical issues that pop up from time to time. They’ve been kinda enough to reimburse me for my lost days of access. I appreciate that. When it works, it works and it’s the best.

All of this, is specifically for home users. If you’re a ‘corporate user’ you’ll get gouged by the OUTRAGEOUS prices you will be quoted. In the eyes of the internet companies in Kuwait, no matter how small your company is, you NBK to them, fat and rich. It’s criminal.

Runner up: LTE
I was one of the last one of my friends to switch from 3G to LTE. I held onto my shitass iphone 4 for years past the point I probably should have. Near the end of its long life, I was charging it literally constantly. During phone calls the battery life would countdown in real time and I would panic like it was a timebomb in a Bond movie. It would literally burn my ear from how hot it would get. Now that I have a sexy new phone with LTE, I am surprised by how incredibly fast it is sometimes. And with the personal hotspot, I always have a decent backup plan. Also, it’s what most smaller companies use now rather than get abused (please don’t write comments about me belittling abuse until you see the prices they charge and then gfy).

Winner: WIMD
When I first signed up to internet at my apartment, I had DSL and I was getting 1Mbps since that was the fastest my line could handle. Then a couple of years later for some reason my line started handling 2Mbps, it was amazing since it was twice as fast. Out of the blue a couple of years later, something happened and my connection speed dropped, my line could no longer handle 2Mbps and I was back on 1Mbps. It was horrible. Then Mada came along offering 10Mbps and I jumped onboard. It was super fast… until everyone discovered it was super fast and then it became super slow. Luckily I found out about WIMD and I signed up to their 10Mbps plan and I’ve been using them ever since.

It’s been three years now and really the only major issue I had with them is when a residential building got constructed down the street blocking my line of sight with their tower. But that was an easy fix, we just moved my receiver to the far end of the building. They’re really the best solution for people who have shitty phone lines. At KD350 a year for 10Mbps they’re more than double the price of DSL providers but when your alternative is 1Mbps, KD350 is actually an incredible deal.

Runner up: Mobile Internet
Although Nima focused on LTE I am just grateful with have decent mobile internet and at reasonable prices and it doesn’t matter from which telecom provider. LTE or 3G I don’t care, they’re both great since they allow me to stream music in my car. I also love the fact we get such high download limits including unlimited options.

When I went to get a prepaid sim card in LA, they were like how much bandwidth do you want a month, 1GB, 2GB or 4GB? That’s like the norm over there, only T-Mobile had a higher option which was unlimited so I ended up signing with them. If I didn’t have WIMD at home I would have definitely signed up to one of the telecoms for internet. They’re a great alternative to DSL since they’re so much more easier to setup and most of the time faster than DSL.

Winner: GIA
I remember when I moved back to Kuwait after university. People were getting rather health crazy, doing Atkin’s diet and going paleo, freaking out about salt and trans fats and the like.

But in Kuwait, Burger King had unveiled the “Mozza Double Whopper”; two patties of beef with a patty of mozzarella cheese in between. My friends at the gahwa were ordering shish taouk because they wanted to eat grilled chicken instead of fried, but it would come smothered in garlic may and wrapped in buri (friend bread).

Things have changed since. People are jumping on boxes and waving ropes and swinging cannonballs with handles. Maybe GIA is the response to Kuwait’s recent health craze. A healthy place that doesn’t takes like cardboard dog food. It’s the perfect place for a quick healthy substantial lunch or the inevitable compromise your obnoxiously indecisive friends will agree on for dinner. It probably singlehandedly revitalised Al Khalid square. Not that success in Kuwait is a measure of quality, but they had to expand within the first year they opened. We usually over-order for the next day when we get it. Great dining, take-away, or delivery.

Runner up: Street
Street opened up to much fanfare. They have a limited number of seats and limited items on the menu. Rather than having an encyclopedia of mediocrity, they’ve focused and refined their menu. That shows that the chef, Faisal Al Nashmi has confidence in his menu. Respect. There’s nothing I hate more than a place with something for one. The surrounding chaos of garbage and parked cars disappears beneath you as you walk up the staircase to be confronted by a small, glass-enclosed, art space. Go there. Get some buns before they become the next big thing in Kuwait to be ruined by the scale economics!

Winner: GIA
GIA is one of those places you hope people would copy instead of opening another burger place. Although I completely hate the fact they reheat their food in the microwave, if you stick to their salads or their sandwiches which they freshly make then you can’t go wrong. What they’ve been able to accomplish over the past year is just extraordinary, not only have they made healthy food a fad, but they’ve single handedly transformed the dead complex they’re located in, to a trendy place where markets are being held. The fact I know what quinoa is and the reason I started liking quinoa was because of GIA and I think it’s the same for a lot of people.

Runner up: Healthy Feast
The way I describe Healthy Feast to friends is the kind of food GIA should have started making after they expanded. After having the same quinoa salads over and over I just can’t have it anymore without wanting to puke. So Healthy Feast was a breath of fresh air, great healthy food that is freshly prepared and doesn’t involve quinoa (unless you want it to). I’m now usually there at least once a week.

Winner: EDO – Shaab (RIP)
This may play out more like a eulogy, but this icon of Kuwait Restaurant culture needs to be memorialised. EDO Shaab was a beautiful modernist Villa from the 1950s beside Villa Fayrouz. It was the best example of how a small villa could be repurposed as opposed to torn down and rebuilt like the monstrous, soulless apartment buildings surrounding it. The beautiful stone garden and its koi pond, small as it was, was unlike anything and wonderful. Nothing could compare to being there on a cool winter day, knowing just on the other side of the wall was a narrow road clogged like the arteries of this fast-food generation.

It was serene. Inside in small villa was a surprisedly spacious, tastefully designed sushi bar. The building’s previous life as a house made for all sorts of nooks and crannies. Every table was simultaneously private and yet easy to get attention from the well-trained waitstaff. Having lived in a sushi haven through university, sushi in Kuwait (without deep-fried mayonnaise) is a challenge to pull off. But without hesitation, upon being asked where the best sushi in Kuwait is, consistently as they would operate, I would say EDO. Sure there’s a new EDO at Sahara, but at this point in my life, that’s like telling me they’ve rebooted Thundercats.

But recently I had a lovely little dinner with my lovely wife at a lovely little place called Ora…maybe you’ve heard of it? No? Well you maybe should…

Runner up: ORA
There’s a new three-lettered sushi place in my life…and it’s called Ora, in Arabella. The place is kinda expensive but anything good should be, like a little treat. I suggest going with a bunch of friends and getting a bunch of small plates. This place is no joke, literally one of the best new restaurants to open. I’m a sucker for nigiri with a thin slice of fresh jalapeño and some light ponzu sauce.

Winner: EDO – Shaab (RIP)
I’m a late comer to the EDO fan club. When everyone was boasting about how great it was, I was too busy enjoying my Sushi at Kei when they were open at Marina Crescent. Then they closed down that location, and then they sent my sushi chef to their Bahrain branch and I just stopped eating sushi for awhile.

I only really got properly introduced to EDO by a friend a couple of years ago and thats when I really started falling in love with the place, it’s one of those restaurants that must have seen everything from proposals to breakups. There was and still is nothing like it in Kuwait, and the fact that it’s gone now is sad.

Even though EDO opened at Sahara, it just doesn’t have the same warmth and coziness of their old Shaab location. We should really consider turning old villas into restaurants instead of demolishing them. There are actually a bunch of old villas at the end of Baghdad Street in Salmiya, imagine if all those were renovated and turned into restaurants.. They would have so much more personality than the generic restaurant complexes that are popping up every few blocks.

Runner up: Open Flame Kitchen
My runner up should actually be this small Korean place hole in the wall I frequent often. It’s a place I haven’t posted about before and won’t on the blog since I like to keep it my little secret. So instead, for my runner up I’m going to go with OFK. It’s one of those places I can go when I want to cheat or when I want to eat healthy. They have the best burgers in Kuwait (order any of the 8oz burgers medium), my favorite pizza in Kuwait (Funghi Con Panna) and my favorite dessert (Chocolate Brownie Pudding). The place also feels like some restaurant pub with its dark ambiance and loud music and the service is always great. The only thing I will complain about is how they’re always out of their Haute Ripper hot dog which is deep fried in duck fat. Absolutely delicious but sadly they’ve been out of it for maybe a year now.

Winner: The Secret Garden
A common refrain you hear from people here, expats and locals alike (no fighting, children), is that “there’s nothing to do here.”

Common Mack! Sure there is!

Why, you could perhaps go to the airport and GTFO AND GO BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME FROM! Or you know…take a vacation. I personally love Kuwait’s locale. You could literally go anywhere from here. Go somewhere new! Try the local food! And in general, you could be less of a bitch. We have more holidays a year than anyone and centrality to use it to experience something new.

But what do you do when you’re between vacations?

The Secret Garden Project.
The instagram account @mimikuwait is how I found out about these entertaining events. She’s a force of good, tenacious and talented. The project hosts weekly events a few times a year during the cooler months when people stop bitching about how hot or dusty it is, and start bitching about how cold and dusty it is during those few minutes between being inside a severely over-air conditioned building and a severely over-air conditioned car. The mini-market is located at a tiny park off Baghdad street. Lots of good food, like the gentlemen who re-karaked chai karak and the merchant prince of smoked ribs, Roc. It’s a swell place to take your spouse or the girl who somehow responded positively to you yelling at her from you car (please don’t have children). It’s also a good place place to bring the kiddies for some fun activities that don’t require them rubbing their disgusting fingers all over the phone you put next to your face 20 times a day. It’s the kind of place women walk around repeatedly saying the word ‘cute’ incessantly. kinda like…

Runner up: Qout Market
For personal reasons, I couldn’t make most of the early Qout Markets this year (I had nothing to wear). But the ones I visited had the same elements it did last year: great atmosphere, great food, and lots of random small stands selling everything from jams to t-shirts. My only reservation is how people going to Qout overdress. Last time I felt compelled, as I often do, to make a statement by overdressing just. that. little. bit. more. Some of you may have seen me in the final Qout Market of the year.

Photo by Hind Al-Awadi

The gauntlet has been thrown ladies and gentlemen, do you accept the challenge?

Winner: The Secret Garden
During the cooler seasons if you ever want to know where to find me on a Saturday morning, it’s usually at The Secret Garden. The Secret Garden is a small park right off Baghdad Street in Salmiya that was turned into a community garden by the talented chef Mimi. Every so often she invites a bunch of other talented chefs and together they hold a brunch or dinner at the park. It’s a very chill atmosphere with picnic tables spread all about, good music playing and a lot of interesting people all around. It’s a great social event and a great way to spend Saturday mornings. If you haven’t been to a brunch or dinner yet at the park then make sure you do, whenever there is one taking place I tend to post it with the “Things to do this Weekend” list so keep an eye out for it or just follow Mimi [Here]

Runner up: Madeenah Tour
The Madeenah Tour is another activity that takes place during the cooler months of the year since it usually involves a lot of out door walking. Once a week Madeenah takes a group of people on an educational and informative tour around a specific area with historical or current significance. They tend to stay off the beaten path so you’re always bound to discover something new. Like with The Secret Garden, whenever there is a tour taking place I list it under the weekly weekend activities list but you could also follow them yourself and find out directly from [Here]

Winner: Kuwait Little League
When I first moved back here, 20 seasons of The Simpsons ago, someone recommended to my mother that she put us in the Kuwait Little League. Back then, everything was on sandlots. But the movie, The Sandlot, had come out the year before and therefore, I was unfazed. The league, to my ten-year-old perception, was very well organized. We had organised teams with practice and jerseys and coaches and the whole thing. I loved every minute of it and can’t thank enough the school nurse for suggesting it to my mother.

I was reminiscing out loud with Mark and the KLL came up. He showed me pictures of the fields they use now, which somehow, despite the sun’s continually murderous efforts, were green. Perhaps they’re artificial grass, I don’t know, but nonetheless, it’s all very Chenna mo bel Kuwait. Look them up for online registrations if you want to give your kids something outdoors to do in the delightful months of the year.

Runner Up: Kidzania
The winner was something I had done as a child in Kuwait that is still around and even better that before; The runner-up is something so enticing, that I rue the day I grew into a towering oak of a man. Kidzania is off at the edge of the Avenues. You might have had to double-take as I had when you see a goddamn Qatar Airways desk inexplicably in a mall. Well that’s where the kids take their pretend passport, to check into Kidzania. I have a real goddamn passport and I’m gold member with Qatar Airways, but sadly, I’m too tall for this ride…

Winner: Kuwait Little League
I passed by the Kuwait Little Leagues a few months back by accident. Well not really by accident, I was going to a yard sale and I knew it was a KLL Yard Sale, I just didn’t think they would be actually playing baseball games as well. So when I got there I was in total shock and awe. They had 4 green grass diamond baseball fields (real grass btw) and there were all these kids dressed in baseball gear on the fields playing while their parents were sitting in the stands watching. The fields were surrounded by high green trees and the sky was blue so you literally felt like you were at some school game taking place in the US. Unlike Nima, I spent my childhood playing football in sand lots but if I had know about KLL I would have begged my parents to sign me up to it. If you want to know more about KLL they do have a website but it looks like it was designed back in the 1800s and doesn’t seem to be functioning properly as of this post [Link]. They’re also on [Facebook]

Runner up: K Camp & Q8 Books
It was difficult to choose one runner up so I’m choosing two. Last year I passed by K Camp for the first time since I had a friend working there and was overwhelmed by how much fun the kids were having. The kids were split up into various teams based on their ages and numbers and through out the day they would all have different activities to do. What probably surprised me the most is how great the various young volunteers were with the children, many of who were previous K Campers themselves. Sadly this activity takes place only a few weeks a year, check out their website for more details [Here]

The other runner up is Q8 Books, through out the year they have various reading events for children where they invite guests to come and read for the kids. They even somehow convinced Monstariam to come read wearing a rabbit costume. It’s all really cute and it takes place inside the bookshop so your kids will probably also want to pick up a few books on their way out which is always a good thing. Follow them on instagram to find out when the next one takes place [Link]

This is going to be a long one.
Winner: LITERALLY NO ONE WINS. LITERALLY.

I watched Van Helsing a few years ago. It’s a shitty movie with Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale. Early in the movie, Van Helsing goes to Kate Beckinsale’s village, only to be attacked by 3 sexy flying vampire women. Because the flying sexy vampires are sexy, anytime there was a closeup of one of them, the frames were cut. The Flying Sexies would just die off one at a time. I remember this because at one point, the last remaining Sexie was outside flying around and screaming then suddenly CUTCUTCUT she’s inside already turned to ash around a crossbow bolt to her now visible chest. The editing was so jarring that I literally felt sick, like being in strobe lights for too long. I got up and walked out of the Cinema in Kuwait for the last time.

So why do we censor such things but not violence? Think about this, if a movie showed a woman getting her arm taken off, not a problem. Shirt taken off, problem. A horde of zombies grab someone and bite their goddamn face off, no problem. Someone kisses their wife for good luck before embarking on some death-defying last-ditch effort against all odds. That’s a fucking problem. “Tsk. Why are you kissing? Ha? Who told you to kiss? Tsk. Shino hatha? There’s a camera here and we can all see you. Tsk. Respect yourselves.”

They also censor blasphemy. When the bad guy says, “I will be a god” or something like that, I know it’s wrong. He’s an asshole. What do you expect? That’s why we’re all paying money. To sit here silently in the dark and watch someone kick his ass. Why do I need that part of his asshole behaviour to be kept from me? Doesn’t context matter?

Whether they censor a brief kiss from the movie or cut a movie into spastic chaos, it doesn’t matter to me. The result is the same; I am ripped away from the movie and put into a movie theatre sitting next to the sonofabitch friend that convinced me to give this shit another chance. (You lied to me Mohi, you lied right to my face.)

So now people are reduced to looking up the running time of the film from the cinema companies here and comparing them with the actual running time of the film to see how much of the movie is cut. Some friends of mine went to watch Rush Hour 2 or 3. It was literally an hour long. Allegedly, films are watched by a panel of men. The men have a button each. They press the button when something is worth censoring. It doesn’t take a consensus, just one to be offended. The process is then repeated through a panel of women. Allegedly. But I believe it just because of how ridiculous it sounds.

Now think about this, and this is what drives me to rage, a group of people, that have never met you, watch something uncut, on your behalf, to mark the things that you would not be able to handle, and remove them from your experience. We are treated as children. Undeveloped enough to be able to comprehend reality from film. The whole thing is institutionally condescending. And honestly, what’s the point of censoring movies when everyone has OSN at home and the internet everywhere else they go? At this point is it little more than a empty gesture of righteousness?

TL;DR
I won’t go to the cinemas here or anywhere films are censored. Even if it’s just a kiss. Even if it’s a kids movie. Because they censored the lion king. The Lion King.

Runner up: Cinemagics
I was the man with the plan behind the Game of Thrones private cinema night that Mark wrote about. I loved that place. What a fun night. And is there anything more enjoyable than watching a movie on a rooftop in Old Salmiya on a cool winter night? Fantastic movies and beautiful viewing areas, I can’t recommend Cinemagics enough. If you’ve never experienced it, do yourselves a favour and check them out.

Winner:Cinemagics
I’ve been posting about the Cinemagics rooftop movies for years now and every year they keep making it better. This year for example they replaced the previously uncomfortable chairs with super comfy air sofas. They also added a live food station and their movie choices are also unmatched. Best part is you can watch their movies for free and thats because Cinemagics is trying to contribute to the development of an internationally competitive Kuwaiti audio-visual production industry, partly by bringing the filmmakers and audiences together and by increasing the public’s interest in – and appreciation for – the art of film-making. And to top it all off, they’re located down the street from where I live. An easy winner here.

Runner up: Cinescape 360 Mall
I have to agree with Nima regarding the censorship issue, I stopped watching movies for a long time in Kuwait because I got pissed off after going to watch The Simpsons and realizing it was censored. But I’ve recently started going back to the movies again but now I make sure whatever I watch isn’t censored, or at least minor censorship, like I wouldn’t mind one kissing scene being chopped. That said, the movie theater I frequent the most, or should I say the only theater I actually go to now is the Cinescape one at 360 Mall. Its aesthetically pleasing and their IMAX 3D theater is the best one in Kuwait from what I’m aware of (let me know if there is a better one cuz I’d love to check it out). Note to Cinescape, just buy cinescape.com already, it’s what I always type before realizing I need to go to kncc.com instead.

I have a cousin I see once every few years. Every time I see him, he mentions cross-fit (Ali, I know you’re reading this, please stop). When I first heard about it, it sounded good. Then you meet the people. Not necessary the people themselves, but their social media character. Jumping onto boxes, or over, or whatever it is. And I thought, “this…isn’t for me.”

I suppose the point is to inspire you, or themselves or someone. And I hope sincerely, that the mundane video of your friend jumping onto or over a box, inspires someone. Because if it does, that person was probably in a very dark place. Occasionally people will tell me “they” (the facist a person pays to yell inspirational instagram messages at them while the person repeatedly picks up and puts down otherwise useless pieces of metal) will work them until they puke. Isn’t that great? The smell of sweat and vomit! Just what you want around you while you’re breathing heavy.

For these reasons and many more, I cannot condone gyms. They’re far too moist and inherently narcissistic and I can’t for the life of me understand what anyone else to be narcissistic about.

I don’t believe in gyms. I believe in genetics. I, for one, am a delightfully svelte size 30 waist. Forever more and always. I love you, me.

TIP: Google “box jump fails” for more inspiration.

Winner: Circuit+
The amount of gyms we have in Kuwait and the amount that are popping up is going to soon start exceeding the amount of burger joints we have, and thats a good thing. Every other person in Kuwait is now doing CrossFit and the gym that probably started this craze in Kuwait is Circuit+. CrossFit was already available in Kuwait but Circuit+ took it mainstream and made it much more accessible to everyone. Right now they’ve got a couple of locations in Kuwait but their Shuwaikh one is just massive, it’s crazy huge. But, their gym aside, what I love about Circuit+ the most is their annual Battle of The East CrossFit competition. It’s a world class event bringing in competitors from around the world and creating a fantastic show for everyone in Kuwait to take part in and to watch. They’ve created a huge community and are giving back to Kuwait and for that reason I’ve chosen them as this years best gym in Kuwait.

Runner up:Inspire Pure Fitness
Inspire is the best mixed (as in guys and girls) gym you could sign up to and their new location at the Sahara Country Club is also the nicest looking gym in Kuwait. But, you’ll also have to sell your kidney to be able to afford their membership which can reach KD1,950 a year with their mandatory weekly PT sessions.

Winner: talabat.com
Man, do you ever wonder whether you’ve become a misanthrope because of the internet or the internet just feeds your misanthropy? Do you ever wonder what ‘misanthrope’ means? (if so, you’re the reason misanthropes exist).

These days I’m so lazy or unwilling to physically see other humans that not only will I not go to a restaurant to eat, I won’t even pick it up to take home. Not only am I unwilling to pick it up, but I’m also unwilling to get out of my car. Not only am I unwilling to get out of my car, but now, I’m also unwilling to speak to another human on the phone. I exaggerate of course, but not much.

And that’s why, the greatest website/app in the entire middle east is Talabat. Oh heavens, what a convenient little bastard you are. Somehow, some tenacious person convinced various restaurants to outsource online ordering to their website. And I’m sure some had reservations about doing it too. Among my circle of friends, we talk about new restaurants on Talabat as though we had actually been there without having to actually be there. So successful was this enterprise that it had been sold for what we in the FU industry call FU-money. Nary a week goes by without some restaurant relenting and joining this Khaleeji monolith. In my eyes, there is no competitor.

Of course, it’s not without its faults. Namely there are some crap restaurants with crap names and crap descriptions of their food (sandwish anyone?). But these are outweighed by the review section, which I frequently read not for actual reviews from people whose opinions are valuable, but rather for the hilarity of their review.

For example, “The food tastes disgusting and is not what the meal is supposed to taste like. Delivery took too long. Small portions. It just was terrible. 3 stars”. THREE STARS!!! AND THE FOOD WAS DISGUSTING BAHAHAHAHAH.

Or my personal favourite (translated), “the delivery was late. The burgers were cold. Totally unpleasant. 5 stars.” Hilarious.

Runner up: Blink.co.kw
The other day, I wanted to buy Batman Arkham Knight, conveniently checked the price online and conveniently bought it from PSN. THREE DAYS LATER the download finished. Very inconvenient. I could have just gone online and bought it from Blink. And replaced my toaster and bought some cups and wax for the car. But I didn’t, instead I had three days of disappointment, untoasted bread and an unwaxed car.

Shoutout to nespresso.com for having a website so slow, you’d think the server is on the bloody moon.

Winner: talabat.com
Once you get beyond the first page, I think the website looks ugly and outdated. But, there is no denying that Talabat is the most successful online business in Kuwait and they’ve got KD50,000,000 to prove it.

Runner up: Blink.co.kw
The runner up really should be Xcite.com since their website looks a ton better than Blinks and they have much more products. But, I just find Xcite more intimidating to use and I’ve run into the oddest issues with them. Did you know up until a few weeks ago you couldn’t even browse their website from your phone. If you tried to you would get a message forcing you to download their app. They weren’t recommending you to use their app which is a common practice but instead they completely lock you out from their website if you were browsing from your mobile phone. So stupid. Thankfully after I complained about how ridiculous that was, they now allow you to browse their site from your phone. If you’re wondering why I don’t use their app instead, well I used to but then one day when I wanted to buy something I had to create an account which is fine but they started asking me what my nationality was and if I was married or not. I couldn’t tell if those questions were mandatory or not to answer so I just ended up filling all the fields with dummy information and created a fake account to try it out. Turns out the personal questions were not mandatory to answer, but then I ran into another problem. Once you create an account with their app you can’t log out and create another one. So now I permanently get greeted by the app as “Hello Jdjdjd Jdjdjd”. I should probably delete it and reinstall it but I’m just too lazy to do so.

Blink on the other hand, although the website is ugly as shit is actually easier to use and find stuff plus their prices are mostly cheaper in my experience. I think it’s probably easier to use because when you land at the website they ask you which section you want to browse. So if you click on video games you end up in their video game section with all the product highlights and side bar sections being gaming related. On Xcite you have to dig deep for whatever you want. I generally use Blink for two things mainly, buying iTunes cards or buying video games. They seem to have ridiculously good deals every now and then and even when they don’t their prices generally reflect Hawalli prices (ie cheapest market prices) without having to go to Hawalli myself and get it. Convenient.

I bank with two banks in Kuwait personally. I use another 3 or 4 for work. I bitch about them all. People will often tell me, “hey why don’t switch to this bank or that bank?”, not knowing that I probably already use that bank. And that bank sucks. The best thing about banks in Kuwait is that they all smell nice, universally across the board. We have the best smelling banks in the world. But being asked to choose the best bank is like being asked to select a favourite fart. Eye-watering and offensive.

Sometimes people will tell me, and even I’ll find myself thinking, “man banks in London or the US or in Canada blah blah blah…” No no no. Those banks are garbage. Banks everywhere in the world are garbage. American and Canadian banks barely understand there are other countries. And once you explain that there is a place called ‘the rest of the world’ then you have to start explaining to them why their useless 1-800 number is useless.

As far as banks go, the best you can hope for is bukhur at the door and that they don’t block your card when you travel. After that, it doesn’t really matter. Be happy they’re not American banks. Or Greek banks (too soon?).

I use both NBK and Burgan Bank, and I have issues with both. The reason I have two in the first place is so that one covers the other when I travel. I’ve had so many strange issues when traveling I now need to have three different sources of debit and credit cards, the third one being American Express. How badly do my banks suck?

With NBK I’m a Thahabi customer which means I should get “better” service. A few weeks back I get called into my branch and into my personal banking officers room. He starts basically interrogating me, supposedly I transferred a large sum of money abroad to a company called Pershing LLC and it raised a flag with them. He passed me a form to fill which included a ton of personal questions, I told him I wasn’t going to fill it because they already have all my information. My banker told me this was not related to the money transfer and they’re just updating all their customers data. I told him thats bullshit and this was directly related to the money transfer. So he told me to go tell the manager I wasn’t going to fill it, so I did. I went to the manager and told him you guys are interrogating me over a transfer I made and now you want me to fill out this form with all this personal information which you should have already since I’ve been banking with you guys for 15 years. So the manager starts flipping through my files and asks me if I transferred an X amount of money a couple of months back. I right away recognized what that transfer was. I looked at him dumbfounded. Yes I did, I used my NBK brokerage account to transfer more money into it. I told him I don’t know who Pershing LLC is but my guess its a company you guys deal with (I later found out with a quick google it’s their clearing firm). I told him the transfer you’ve been interrogating me about was a transfer to you guys, NBK. I transferred my money to YOU. The manager was like give me five me minutes just to make a few calls and confirm. I told him I’ve already been here for 30 minutes and I’m not going to sit here any longer and they need to get their shit together because this was embarrassing and I walked out.

Burgan Bank on the other hand I had the weirdest issue last month. I launched the Burgan Bank app on my phone and forgot what my password was. Why? Because when they force you to change your password it has to be different than the last 6 passwords I’ve used with them. WTF. That actually makes it less secure not more secure because if I started using my level A password, the second time I’m going to use my level B, then C etc.. until I turn into a complete idiot and start using my name as my password. So I have to keep creating new difficult level A passwords which I’ve never used anywhere else in my life just for Burgan Bank. It’s hard enough to remember the all the passwords I already have so its natural I’m going to forget the special one I had to create just for Burgan Bank. So I clicked on the forget password link and it asked me my secret question and I put in my answer. It was wrong, so I put in another answer. Suddenly the app tells me I’ve put my answer wrong too many times and my account is now blocked and I need to go to their website, printout a form and then take it to a local branch. WHAT. THE. FUCK. I answered my secret question wrong twice (not three times)(and it’s my secret question not even password) and I could no longer access my account from the app, nor can I access it from the website (even though I know my password there) or anywhere else. And then to make it worse, I had to print out a form, fill it up and take it to their branch. I tried to unlock it over the phone by calling the call center which is what I can do with NBK but I was told I needed to print that form and take it to the branch physically. I was surprised they didn’t want me to fax anything or mail them a postcard.

So yeah, these are just two of the most recent problems, I’ve had A LOT more. I hate banks so there will be no winner nor even a runner up for this award.

Winner: The Avenues (anytime before you and your friends show up)
I often amuse myself by thinking of Kuwait in different ages. For example, the technique boys and girls would use to secretly flirt in recent history (BB, bluetooth, throwing your number at another human being, high-risk chase with the intention of shouting at your future wife from your car into her car); but more often, I like to split it up into the Ages of Malls. There was The Age of Fanar, followed by The Age of Sharq, followed by The Age of Marina. The age before Fanar was only darkness but today we’re in The Age of Avenues. And sure, 360 is trying, but meh, who cares? The interesting thing about Avenues is that because of it’s massive size, it kept opening new phases years after the first phase and overcame this…mall-ecular stagnation.

And my goodness, what a goddamn mall it is. It has literally everything you could ever need/want. When people visit Kuwait from the west, I always end up taking them to Avenues. We’ve reduced all of western consumerism and fitted it into this outdoor shopaholic theme park with a roof over it. That’s craziness.

But I’ll be honest with you, I’m a guy who goes to the mall with shit to do. All business. I do it and leave. I don’t do the zombie shuffle like a lethargic dancer in Thriller. In fact, when I’m swiftly moving from one end of the goddamn mall to the other goddamn side, and you and your possé are all dressed thematically the same, standing shoulder to shoulder forming some sort of slow moving linear amoeba, I imagine kicking each one of you off a cliff. You’d probably fall slow just to annoy the bitch out of me.

Which is why I cannot strongly advocate more, going to the mall on a morning. Before people show up. Minimum stabbing risk. Plenty of parking, plenty of room to quickly get errands done and restock of the plenty of supplies I need to keep myself from the public, plenty plenty plenty and what better good do you expect from a mall than plenty of plenty.

Avenues Tip:
Less this (Link)
More this (Link)

Runner up: 360 Mall
How could anyone not like 360 mall? It’s never got traffic on the way there and if you can survive parking somewhere, it has probably the most worthwhile unique places in kuwait (not original unique, but single-location unique). It has some good shops. It has some great restaurants I like eating at. It has a great Nespresso store I drink at for free by acting like i’m going to buy a sleeve or two before feeling guilty and buying a sleeve or two. And it’s close to my friend Aziz Humaidhi’s house. Aziz you scumbag, call me man.

Winner: The Avenues
The winner for this category was an easy one and not because the other malls suck (obviously many do) but because Avenues is so way ahead of everything else. It’s a place I also take tourists even though I personally hate going to malls when I travel. I hate malls everywhere actually, except in Kuwait. What I think really makes Avenues special though is the beautiful Grand Avenues. Like Nima I tend to go to the malls when I need something but I actually enjoy going to Grand Avenues to just walk around and window shop. Occasionally I’ll also sit at Veranda and have tea with a friend while watching the same people go up and down over and over. I don’t like Phase I or II on the other hand, they look like any other mall and I tend to refer to them as the ghetto cuz really thats what they are compared to Grand Avenues. Prestige I don’t even think anyone ever goes there and the old souk area is usually filled by people you never see in the other phases. But thats also what makes Avenues so great, it’s so big and the sections are so different, there is something for everyone. It’s a modern day landmark for Kuwait.

Runner up: Marina Crescent (on a Friday morning when the weather is great)
I love Marina Crescent on Friday mornings, it gets packed with people all outdoor enjoying the beautiful weather and having breakfast. It doesn’t feel like you’re in Kuwait and mostly because we spend all year round avoiding the outdoor weather. The rest of the mall isn’t special, it used to be when they used to open the roofs but now its just bleh.

Winner: Good Game
I’ve been seeing a lot of party games at gatherings in recent years. There was Monopoly Deal for a while and then the more entertaining Kuwaiti knockoff. I’m sure a lot of you have heard of Cards Against Humanity, the fart joke of the party game market. Garbage. I seriously can’t stand that game. It’s like watching a compilation of “thats what she said” jokes.

So what better opportunity to tell you about Good Game, a shop in Sanabil Tower specialising in all types of tabletop games. If it has dice, a board, cards, figures or any combination of them, chances are they sell it there. They have an absurd collection of games fillings their walls with varying degrees of difficulty and complexity, they have something for everyone, nerd or non-nerd alike.

The place is great. Everyone who works in the shop has played nearly if not every game and are able to answer questions or recommend a game based what you tell them you like. I love that it became the light to which all nerds in kuwait fluttered. The place is more than a shop, it’s become something more than that. It’s become a community.

Runner up: Orchidaceae
On Mr. Mark’s recommendation, I went to Orchidaceae a few months ago to get flowers for my wife (for my cat to nibble to pieces). It is hidden away in the reinhabited industrial MadMax wasteland that is Shuwaikh. Great design, the staff know their business and they aren’t quick to recommend things they know are impractical. Surprisingly affordable insta-class.

Winner: Good Game
First full disclosure, the owner of Good Game is a really good friend of mine as well as Nima. Actually, the first time I met the owner is when Nima invited me over to play the Game of Thrones board game with him and a couple of other people around two years back (what a complicated board game that was, I still don’t understand it). The owner loves board games, like REALLY loves them which is why he opened up Good Game in the first place. What I love about the shop and the reason I chose it as a winner is the fact that it has become more than just a place where you go and buy stuff. Anyone with money can open a store but what Good Game has done is create a wonderful community. Pass by anytime during the evening and you’ll find a group of guys sitting in the store playing board games, if you pass by on weekends it’s even more packed. The shop has created a space where people into board games can go socialize and pass time. In a place like Kuwait where we’re always looking for something to do, Good Game is a treasure.

Runner up: Pet Zone
If it wasn’t for the community aspect of Good Game I personally would have chosen Pet Zone as the winner. We really are lucky to have a pet shop this huge here in Kuwait especially considering dogs aren’t really loved over here. If you have a pet and you’ve never been to Pet Zone in Shuwaikh then please make sure you do.

Location: Good Game is located in Al-Sanabil Tower in Sharq, on Mezzanine 2. Here is the location on [Google Maps]

Winner: VOL.1
You know I never really drank coffee. It makes my pee smelly funny. Not haha funny but you know…odd…

But the missus bought an espresso machine and now my pee smells funny all the time. Since then, as luck would have it, Vol.1 opened.

Vol.1 is one of a few local gems that I cannot champion enough. It’s an entirely locally owned and operated coffeehouse that roasts its own beans. It’s a part of what I hope is a growing trend of small, conceptually solid places that have tremendous confidence in their product and don’t stoop to dilute themselves by offering something for everyone. This is a coffeeshop, pure and simple. It sells some of the best coffee in Kuwait. The setting is a vaguely familiar with its diwaniya-style with seating along its walls but the concrete and industrially-styled design makes me think, “wow…chinna berooklyn”. But without any hipsters. Everyone’s a winner.
Tip: It’s summer. Grab a cold one.

Runner up: CAFFEINE
This is another hidden away gem in apparently up-and-coming south mubarakiya (some call it SoMu)(please don’t call it SoMu). The owner and proprietor is a sweetie and his brew’s delicious. Try whatever espresso and ice cream dessert he gave me that was so good I forgot the name.

Winner: VOL.1
Unlike Nima, I don’t drink coffee, I’ve always been a tea person. But I still love VOL.1 and I’ve been going there ever since they opened. All my friends love their coffee and I generally tag along with them whenever they head to Vol.1 just because the atmosphere over there is so cool. With the loud music playing and all the guys and girls coming in and out it’s become one of the most trendiest places in Kuwait. I personally love the treats they sell and they’re pretty healthy which is a big bonus. VOL.1 is also a successful local concept that’s competing in a field dominated by big brand franchises. That’s not an accomplishment that should be taken lightly.

Runner up: Masaha 13
For my runner up I’m going to go with Masaha 13. As a place to go have coffee it’s a different style completely from Vol.1. I would generally go to Masaha 13 for business meetings or to chill with a friend or two quietly. It’s a very cozy atmosphere and I love that about the place. They also have a large space upstairs where they hold different events and exhibitions and I think thats what makes them even more special.

Location: VOL.1 is located in Kuwait City on Mubark Al Kabeer Street in the same building as Almakan. They’re not open all day so check their instagram @vol_1kuwait for timings. Here is the location on [Google Maps]